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WHO'S ON FIRST UPDATEDIf Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have a! n office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
Top Ten List of Errors That Drive English Teachers Crazy
10. Writing alot instead of a lot
There were a lot of students at study hall yesterday9. Misspelling to, too, and two
We wanted to go to the ceremony.
She was too tired to study.
The two students at the back fell asleep, too.8. Misspelling its and it's
Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?
Yes, it's a good thing you studied for this test.7. Misspelling their, there, and they're
All the students left their books in their lockers.
There are no more open computers.
It looks as though they're not coming today.6. Misspelling receive and other words of the same type.
Did you receive the latest copy of the newsletter?5. Mixing up then and than
She wrote a letter and then mailed it.
The mail came much sooner than we expected.4. Mixing up lose and loose
The lamp didn't work because the plug was loose.
She never did lose her wry sense of humour.3. Mixing up our and are
The newsletters are here!
We left our car running.2. Mixing up plurals and possessives
The students arrived at seven o'clock. (plural)
The student's presentation was excellent. (possessive)1. The common-splice (run-on) sentence
Wrong: The young man turned and walked away, there was nothing he could do.
Corrected: The Young man turned and walked away because there was nothing he could do.
Are You Drinking Enough Water
1. 75% of Canadians are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.)2. In 37% of Canadians, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag out large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. Now, wasn't that easy?
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
Actual classified ads taken from newspapers . . .
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. ~ 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL ~ ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. ~ NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE!
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
OPEN HOUSE ~ BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON ~ FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
TREAT YOUR SPOUSE WITH CONSIDERATION
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation:
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met 28 years ago, and was fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house. Shortly after she started working at this job, I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the tale for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and downstairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.
If I need something ironed to wear to the Mondayl odge meeting, or to Wednesday or Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday or Thursday bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these, because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I even offer to have one with her, as she may as well make one for me too, and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying the the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I how frustrating women can become as they get older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest you make the effort. Achieving the exemplary level of consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
BOB
(Editor's Note: Bob's funeral was on Saturday. Nancy was acquitted.)Thanks Amar
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first two lines right, repeat them. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft, skidoos, an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. That's the cut-off.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson or San Diego is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you're skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator is chomping on it is. Losing your leg to necritizing fasciitis is not the blues. Losing your leg to a shot-gunblast from yo' woman is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Go down to the Greyhound bus-station.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses e. Hooters11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you slept in it. If you wore a backwards baseball cap, even one time, you're disqualified for life.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. e. you use a blow-drier13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black, black coffee (NO cappuccinos)
The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water e. Gatorade15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction or listening to Shania Twain.
16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, Rainbow, Skip, Jennifer, Jason, Murray, Bosley, Shania, Madonna, Cher, or Engelbert can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see a above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.) c. add last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a bottle of Mad Dog spilled on the keyboard, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. Get rid of it. And don't ever sing about it.
From the Hillman History of the Blues Lecture Notes
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