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1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows"no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You
don't know the gender of your three closest friends because
they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
It says:
"Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke.)
It
means: Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.
It says:
"Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It
means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told
that it's a hardware problem."
It says:
"Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It
means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system
where you'll NEVER find them."
It says:
"Please insert disk 7"
It
means: "Because I know there are only 6 disks."
It says:
"Not enough memory"
It
means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit
below 640K."
It says:
"Cannot read from drive D:...."
It
means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says:
"Please Wait...."
It
means: "...indefinitely."
It says:
"Directory does not exist...."
It
means: "....any more. Whoops."
It says:
"The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It
means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work
back.
Cleaning the Internet
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 7 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 8. During that 24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual Internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way
5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster ovens near your computer modem
6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments because of the possibility of electrical discharge.We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.
Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net." Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President." You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Spam I Am
My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!How stupid do you think I am?
I won't join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we'd all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.Spam I Am:
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you're charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don't you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.Don't pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won't buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!
The Online Addiction Poem
You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus, still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lipThe feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and its something to read
The paper you say? No, dont think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you cant wait to "click"...You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted ... all the friends that you'll meet.And then you see it, you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "You've got mail" waiting there!!
OH, what a feeling!! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that ... as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is, covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound ... Oh, you know what that means!!!"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what your doing and go for the thrill!You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online!
You've Got The Wrong ISP When...
* Their company logo is two tin cans and a length of string.
* You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
* Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
* Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
* Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
* You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site,
and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"* "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
* "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."
* They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on the street corner.
* They charge for e-mail and downloads by the word.
Error Messages For Windows 2006
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
* Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
* This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
* To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
* BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
* COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
* User Error: Replace user.
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
* Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Netscape Song
NETSCAPE
(To the tune of Rawhide)
Loading,
loading, loading,
Damn
this Java coding,
Feeling
of foreboding, Reload!
The
Applet says it's running,
And
that big gray block is stunning,
But
the screen remains as blank as my mind
Netscape
crash, Boot 'em up!
Net
goes down, Dial back!
Logging
on, Still off-line!
Reload!
Try
it now, Still not up!
Netscape
crashed, What, again?
Boot
it up, Log it in,
Reload!
Tighten,
tweaking', smoothen,
They
say the codes improvin',
So
how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
I'm
tired of all this waitin',
Just
give me .gif animation,
This
code is only good for wasting time,
The
applet says it's running,
And
gray block is quite stunning,
But
the screen remains as blank as my mind,
(Midi solo)
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep,
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep,
beep,
Netscape
crash, Boot 'em up!
Net
goes down, Dial back!
Logging
on, Still off-line!
Reload!
Try
it now, Still not up!
Netscape
crashed, What, again?
Boot
it up, Log it in,
Reload!
Reload!
So here
I sit, in all my glory,
Lend
me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story.
Once
had a wife, she was such a dear,
Then
came the Internet, and it all disappeared!
Now
there she sits, for hours on end...
I don't
care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It
could be two, or it could be nine.
She
really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She
gets outta work and rushes home,
She
comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where
the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But
she's at the computer, that's all she missed!
Talking
to buddies, checking the mail
All
her priorities, I'm in cyber Hell!!
My
stomach's growling, it's so unfair!
No
clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
Housecleaning Tips For Internet Junkies
Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just can't seem to get your butt outta the 'puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please
hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Are you a flamer? This handy dandy form will save you some time in writing you flame to that special someone.
Begin flame:
Dear:
[ ]
Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] Retard
[ ]
Me too'er [ ] Pervert [ ] Loser
[ ]
Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ]
Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Flamebait
[ ]
Other (please specify): _______________
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ]
You sent me a stupid chain letter
[ ]
You posted a message concerning a pyramid scheme
[ ]
You posted a "test" in a news group other than alt.test
[ ]
You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ]
You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ]
You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ]
You posted something completely off-topic
[ ]
You started an off-topic thread
[ ]
You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ]
You said "me too" to something
[ ]
You don't know which group to post in
[ ]
You suck
[ ]
You brag about things that never happened
[ ]
Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ]
You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ]
You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ]
I don't like your tone of voice
[ ]
I think you might be a fed
To Repent, You Must:
[ ]
Shout "GO RIDE" a thousand times in a packed bus terminal
[ ]
"Upgrade" to Windows 98
[ ]
Give up your E-mail account
[ ]
Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ]
Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ]
Actually post something relevant
[ ]
Read the FAQ
[ ]
Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ]
Post your tests to alt.test
[ ]
Remove yourself from the net (you are hopeless)
[ ]
Remove yourself from existence (you are really hopeless)
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ]
Blow me
[ ]
Get a life
[ ]
Never post again
[ ]
I pity your dog
[ ]
Go to hell
[ ]
Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc....
[ ]
Take your crap somewhere else
[ ]
Learn to post or get off
[ ]
Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ]
See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ]
All of the above
End flame.
Computer Terms
* PCMCIA -People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
* ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
* SCSI - System Can't See It
* DOS - Defective Operating System
* BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
* IBM - I Blame Microsoft
* DEC - Do Expect Cuts
* CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
* OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
* WWW - World Wide Wait
* MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
* PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
* COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
* AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
* LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
* MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
* WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
* MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
* RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code And more....
* BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
* BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
* BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
* CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
* COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
* CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
* DISK - What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
* DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
* ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
* EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
* FILE - What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
* FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips).
* HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
* IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
* MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
* MONITOR - Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
* PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
* RETURN - What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
* TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
* WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Computer Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year
* I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
* I will stop sending email to my roommate.
* I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.
* I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
* When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
* I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear...I'm coming. Never mind.
* No more downloads from alt.binaries.
* I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...monthly, perhaps...
* I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
* I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
* When I hear, "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
Computer Proverbs
* Home is where you hang your @.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* C:\ is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* In Gates we trust.(?)
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Speed thrills.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
You Might Be A Computer Geek If...
* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
* The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know what http:// stands for.You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
* You see a good design and still have to change it.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep, or they're just equalizing air pressure on both sides of their eardrums.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* You're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
http://www.darwinawards.com/
Back to the Hillman
Eclectic Studio Site
www.hillmanweb.com
BILL AND
SUE-ON HILLMAN: A 50-YEAR MUSICAL ODYSSEY
Hillman Eclectic Studio
All Original Work ©2014 by Bill Hillman and/or
Contributing Authors/Owners
No part of this web site may be reproduced without
permission from the respective owners.
