Bill Hillman Presents

Humourists ~ Pop Media

Scott Adams ~ (The Dilbert Principle)
Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be our future, not our origin!~ from his Dilbert comic strip

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlucky payoffs. This is the principle of lotteries, dating and religion.

Dave Allen ~ Irish Comedian, at the end of all of his shows
Goodnight, thank you, and may your god go with you

Steve Allen
If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall.  If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do.  The same happens in the absence of prayers.

No actual tyrant known to history has ever been guilty of one-hundredth of the crimes, massacres, and other atrocities attributed to the Deity in the Bible.

One social evil for which the New Testament is  clearly in part responsible is anti-Semitism.

There is not the slightest question but that the God of the Old  Testament is a jealous, vengeful God, inflicting not only on the sinful pagans but even on his Chosen People fire, lighting,  hideous plagues and diseases, brimstone, and other curses.

The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific truths.  We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.

Religious believers of the world, you are free to continue to debate the simple, narrow question that divides you from atheists, but you have no right, in so doing, to treat the Humanists of the world with contempt. You owe them a deep debt of gratitude, for not only have they shed much light on a naturally dark world but they have very probably helped civilize your own specific religion. 

It is not hardness of heart or evil passions that drive certain  individuals to atheism, but rather a scrupulous intellectual honesty.

Believing that the Bible is the divinely inspired word of God, certain human beings are prepared to suspend not only reason but even common sense about any and all passages found within, no matter how vile or bloodthirsty.

The fundamentalist believer is mostly a weird intellectual who often lacks real faith altogether. As a self-appointed attorney for God, who is in no need of attorneys, he very easily turns out to be more godless than the agnostic and the unbeliever. At all events, he seems deaf to poetry.

Woody Allen
If only God would give me a clear sign ! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. - unknown (Woody Allen?)

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.

There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . I want to achieve immortality by not dying.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. 

I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.

Maxwell Anderson (1888-1959) ~ American playwright 
The gods of men are sillier than their kings and queens, and emptier and more powerless.
Natalie Angier (b. 1958) ~ American journalist
Among the more irritating consequences of our flagrantly religious society is the special dispensation that mainstream religions receive. We all may talk about religion as a powerful social force, but unlike other similarly powerful institutions, religion is not to be questioned, criticized or mocked.
Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) ~ French playwright 
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.

Lance Armstrong ~ Seven-time Tour de France winner
I don't have anything against organized religion per se. We all need something in our lives. I personally just have not accepted that belief. But I'm one of the few.
Justin Brooks Atkinson (1894-1984) ~ American journalist, drama critic
People everywhere enjoy believing things that they know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for what they know.
Rowan Atkinson ~ Actor / Comic
I have always believed that there should be no subject about which one cannot make jokes, religion included. Clearly, one is always constricted by contemporary mores and trends because, after all, what one seeks above all is an appreciative audience.

Margaret Atwood (b. 1939) Canadian poet and author 
You say, The sensed absence of God and the sensed presence amount to much the same thing, only in reverse.

Joan Baez

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

Phineas Taylor Barnum (1810-1891) ~ American showman
The orthodox faith painted God as a revengeful being, and yet people talk about loving such a being.
Dave Barry

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Ingmar Bergman
I hope I never get so old I get religious.
Sarah Bernhardt [Henrietta Rosine Bernard] (1844-1923) French romantic and actress
Me pray? Never! I'm an atheist.
Black Adder II
Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
Ellen Blackstone
The Bible doesn't forbid suicide.  It's Catholic directive,  intended to slow down their loss of martyrs. 

Elayne Boosler
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Marlon Brando ~ refusing to recite a religious oath while testifying at his son Christian's trial, 1990:

I will not swear on God. I will not swear on God, because I don't believe in the conceptual sense and in this nonsense. What I will swear on is my children and my grandchildren.
A. Whitney Brown

Once again decent citizens will be able to enter this house of worship, kneel down in front of a nearly-naked man hanging from a wooden apparatus by a series of gruesome body piercings, and engage in their bizarre practices of ritualized blood-drinking and cannibalism without being assaulted by graphic images of attractive young women with bare breasts. - A. Whitney Brown, "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central
Lenny Bruce (1925-1966) ~
US satirical comic 
Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ -- but it was only for three days.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

Richard Burton ~ Welsh actor (1925-1984)
The more I read about man and his maniacal ruthlessness and his murderous envious scatological soul, the more I realize that he will never change. Our stupidity is immortal, nothing will change it. The same mistakes, the same prejudices, the same injustice, the same lusts wheel endlessly around the parade ground of the centuries. Immutable and ineluctable. I wish I could believe in a god of some kind but I simply cannot.

L. Sprague de Camp

It does not pay a prophet to be too specific.
George Carlin (1937–2008) ~ Satirical comic; free-speech activist

When it comes to believing in God, I really, really tried . . . but . . . the more you look around, the more you realize . . . something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. . . . This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being.

 Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! . . . but he loves you.

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! 

I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution?  Prayer in buses.  Just drive these kids around all  day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

I used to believe in God, until I reached the age of reason.

Charlie Chaplin
By simple common sense I don't believe in God, in none.

Religion. It`s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. 

In Philadelphia, I inadvertently came upon an edition of Robert Ingersoll's Essays and Lectures. This was an exciting discovery; his atheism confirmed my own belief that the horrific cruelty of the Old Testament was degrading to the human spirit.? My Autobiography (1964) 

Bruce Cockburn ~ "Gospel of Bondage"
You read the Bible in your own special ways |  you're fond of quoting certain things it says |  Mouth full of righteousness and wrath from above |  When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
Steven Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. 
Gregory Clark
Well, I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm an aged agnostic, unafraid of death and undeluded with thoughts of life hereafter.
George Clooney
I don't believe in Heaven and Hell.  I don't know if I believe in God.
Michael Crichton
Organized religion is a business and nothing else, unless you want to think of it as a way to organize wars efficiently. Also organized religion tells you what ot think, and I believe the only way to know about God is to find out on your own. What somebody else tells you is of very little use. I believe that we are all God, and God is all of us. But this means you can find out everything you need to know by yourself, by what you see and what you feel. Nobody knows any more than you do -- even though you're just in the fifth grade.

Marlene Dietrich

If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.
Philip K Dick (1928-1982) ~ Science-fiction writer
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Amanda Donohoe ~ actress, feminist and socialist.
I can't embrace a male god who has persecuted female sexuality throughout the ages.
Tom Dunker
Have you noticed that no matter how sick the Pope gets, they never even consider taking him to Lourdes?
Bob Dylan
Got no religion. Tried a bunch of different religions. The churches are divided. Can't make up their minds and neither can I.

Jules Feiffer

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them.
W.C. Fields

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Prayers may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but it  is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Christmas.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Larry Flynt
I have left my religious conversion behind and settled into a comfortable state of atheism. I have come to think that religion has caused more harm than any other idea since the beginning of time. The Jerry Falwells of this world are living proof of the hypocrisy.
Wil Forbis
I've yet to find anything convincing about the arguments Christians make for the existence of this God chap, and feel that if he does exist, events such as the Holocaust, Cambodian massacres and Limp Bizkit illuminate the fact that he's been asleep at the wheel for quite some time.
Jodie Foster

I believe that there is no direct evidence, so how could you ask me to believe in God when there's absolutely no evidence that I can see? I do believe in the beauty and the awe-inspiring mystery of the science that's out there that we haven't discovered yet, that there are scientific explanations for phenomena that we call mystical because we just don't know any better.

Whatever sympathy I feel towards religions, whatever admiration for some of their adherents, whatever historical or biological necessity I see in them, whatever metaphorical truth, I cannot accept them as credible explanations of reality; and they are incredible to me in proportion to the degree that they require my belief in positive human attributes and intervenient powers in their divinities.

Robert Frost
I turned to speak to God | About the world's despair; | But to  make bad matters worse | I found God wasn't there.

Bob Geldof

Being an atheist I can't be either [a saint or a sinner]
Ricky Gervais
It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us. It should be: "You came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?" I could tell you I've got superpowers, but you can't go up to people saying "Prove I can't fly." They'd go: "What do you mean 'Prove you can't fly'? Prove you can!"
Terry Gilliam
With Life of Brian, we were vilified by Christians. Come on, if your religion is so vulnerable that a little bit of disrespect is going to bring it down, it's not worth believing in, frankly.
Whoopi Goldberg
Religion has done more to bust-up humanity than anything.
Barry Goldwater
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
Matt Groening ~ Quotes from his TV series The Simpsons
A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.

Butch Hancock
~ American singer
Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things. One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, dirty thing on the face of the earth and you should save it for someone you love.
Richard Harris

Jesus is just a word I use to swear with.
Hugh Hefner
Religion is a myth we have invented to explain the inexplicable. The universe is so beyond comprehension. What does it all mean -- if it has any meaning at all? . . . I think anyone who suggests that they have the answers is motivated by the need to invent answers, because we have no such answers.
Katharine Hepburn
I'm an atheist, and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for other people.
Frank Herbert ~ (1920–1986) ~
Science-fiction writer, author of the Dune series
When politics and religion are intermingled, a people is  suffused with a sense of invulnerability, and gathering speed in their forward charge, they fail to see the cliff ahead of them.

Every judgment teeters on the brink of error. To claim absolute knowledge is to become monstrous. Knowledge is an unending adventure at the edge of uncertainty.

Bill Hicks ~ comedian
If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.

Hey, doncha think the REAL reason JC hasn't returned is those crosses you wear?  Think. How would JFK feel if you wore little rifles on your lapels?

Three guys met me after the show one time. "Hey, buddy, we're Christians, we don't like what yew said." All right, then. Forgive me.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd comin out of your ass.

Christianity has a built-in defense system; anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It is a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it, and believe me I was raised Southern Baptist, is to take heroic doses of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Alfred Hitchcock ~ Director of mysteries and horror films (upon seeing a priest talking to a little boy)
That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen. [Shouts:] Run, little boy. Run for your life!

Robert E. Howard
For every being there is an appointed time, and even the gods must die….
L. Ron Hubbard
Writing science fiction for about a penny a word is no way to make a living, If you really want to make a million, the quickest way is to start your own religion. 
John Hurt
It's so fascinating to have lived in a period when religion has taken the thrashing it deserves. Not that it has entirely; we still have a few religions knocking around, doing exactly what they’ve done through the ages – which is fucking up everything.
Italian Bus Ad

The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression.

Penn Jillette

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-o, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

In his book, "God, No!" atheist magician Penn Jillette tells how he was challenged by conservative radio host Glenn Beck to come up with an atheist's version of The Ten Commandments. "I wanted to see how many of the ideas that many people think are handed down from (G)od really make sense to someone who says, 'I don't know.'"

1. The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity and love. Respect these above all.

2. Do not put things or even ideas above other human beings. (Let's scream at each other about Kindle versus iPad, solar versus nuclear, Republican versus Libertarian, Garth Brooks versus Sun Ra— but when your house is on fire, I'll be there to help.)

3. Say what you mean, even when talking to yourself. (What used to be an oath to (G)od is now quite simply respecting yourself.)

4. Put aside some time to rest and think. (If you're religious, that might be the Sabbath; if you're a Vegas magician, that'll be the day with the lowest grosses.)

5. Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your children. (Love is deeper than honor, and parents matter, but so do spouse and children.)

6. Respect and protect all human life. (Many believe that "Thou shalt not kill" only refers to people in the same tribe. I say it's all human life.)

7. Keep your promises. (If you can't be sexually exclusive to your spouse, don't make that deal.)

8. Don't steal. (This includes magic tricks and jokes — you know who you are!)

9. Don't lie. (You know, unless you're doing magic tricks and it's part of your job. Does that make it OK for politicians, too?)

10. Don't waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it'll make you bugnutty.

Billy Joel
I wasn't raised Catholic, but I used to go to Mass with my friends, and I viewed the whole business as a lot of very enthralling hocus-pocus. There's a guy hanging upon the wall in the church, nailed to a cross and dripping blood, and everybody's blaming themselves for that man's torment, but I said to myself, 'Forget it. I had no hand in that evil. I have no original sin. There’s no blood of any sacred martyr on my hands. I pass on all of this.

I believe that all important matters have to be settled here, not in the clouds somewhere after we kick off.

Garrison Keillor

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1658 in hopes of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.
Stanley Kubrick (1928-1999) ~ Movie director: Space Odyssey: 2001

The whole idea of god is absurd. If anything, 2001 shows that what some people call "god" is simply an acceptable term for their ignorance. This film is a rejection of the notion that there is a god; isn't that obvious.

I'd be very surprised if the universe wan't full of an intelligence of an order that to us would seem God-like. . . When you think of the giant technological strides that man has made in a few millennia -- less than a microsecond in the chronology of the universe -- can you imagine the evolutionary development that much older life forms have taken? Their potentialities would be limitless and their intelligence ungraspable in humans.

Timothy Leary
(1920-1996) ~ Psychologist
Drugs are the religion of the 21st century.

Pursuing the religious life today without using psychedelics drugs is  like studying astronomy with the naked eye because that's how they did it in the first century A.D., and besides, telescopes are unnatural.

Gypsy Rose Lee
Praying is like a rocking chair-- it'll give you  something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
John Lennon  (1940-1980)
From the song "Imagine" 
Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, imagine all the people Living for today. . .
Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too .

From the song, "God,"
God is a concept By which we measure Our pain ~ I don't believe in magic ~ I don't believe in I-Ching ~ I don't believe in Bible ~ I don't believe in Tarot ~ I don't believe in Hitler ~ I don't believe in Jesus

From the song, "I Found Out"
There ain't no Jesus gonna come from the sky. Now that I found out I know I can cry, I found out! 

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. We're more popular than Jesus now. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.

Tom Lorenzin
I've perfected: turning wine into warm water.

Witness to a religious miracle:  "I wouldn't have seen it  if I hadn't believed it!

Courtney Love
I don't really miss god but I sure miss Santa Claus!


When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray.
Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. 

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Jesus doesn't care who wins the [sports] game. So stop bothering him. I've never heard a team blame Jesus when they lose.

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position 

Marilyn Manson
If they think that an artist can destroy their faith, then their faith is rather fragile.

Christianity teaches you to love your enemies.  If you  love your enemies, what value does that place on love?

Steve Martin
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.
Jackie Mason
If God exists he's an idiot. That's why I don't believe in any God. Becuase if that's how he behaves, I don't want to know such a person.
Dennis Miller
 I have my own God, and I think my God finds me incredibly fucking funny. That's why I chose him as my God ...

Now 7-11 has bowed to pressure from the Moral Majority to remove  Playboy and Penthouse from their newsstand.  I guess to be fair you  have to look at it from the fundamentalist perspective - what they're  saying is that they don't want pornography out in the open, because  what it does is it forces a certain type of literature on somebody in  a public place.  It would be like..., uh..., oh I don't know, say like  ...put the Bible in everybody's hotel room, or something crazy like that.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Monty Python
A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." - Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

All things dull and ugly ~ All creatures short and squat ~ All things rude and nasty ~ The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons ~ Each little wasp that stings ~ He made their brutish venom ~ He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous ~ All evil great and small ~ All things foul and dangerous ~ The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet ~ Each beastly little squid ~ Who made the spikey urchin ~ Who made the sharks? He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous ~ All pox both great and small ~ Putrid, foul and gangrenous ~ The Lord God made them all. - Amen 

So you're a god, eh?  Very nice, very nice.  But, you still don't have a reservation...

Progress and conduct: I'm afraid that I am severly dissapointed in God's works.  All three of him have shown no tendency to improve and He merely sits at the back of the class talking to himselves.  He has shown no interest in rugger, asked to be excused prayers, and moves in a mysterious way. - Ferndean School Report on God - The brand new Monty Python Book.

Michael Moorcock
When gods die, self-respect buds. Gods and their examples are not  needed by those who respect themselves and, consequently, respect others. Gods are for children; for little, fearful people; for those who would have no responsibility to themselves or their fellows.

Gods are but metaphors. As metaphors they might be very acceptable - but they should never be allowed to become beings in their own right.

Michael Moore ~ Filmmaker
There's a gullible side to the American people. They can be easily misled. Religion is the best device used to mislead them.

Mike Nichols

I never consider what comes after this life, I have no interest in heaven, hell, god, etc...

P. J. O'Rourke

Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Peter O'Toole

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Penn and Teller's
"Bullshit" on Showtime 
Evolution: Observation -> Hypothesis -> Testing -> Debate 
Creationism: Fiction -> Asserting -> Insisting -> Twisting Facts -> Torturing
Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord does not work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) Artist

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just keeps on trying other things.
Terry Pratchett (1948 - ) Author

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Ron Reagan, Jr.

I'm not really cut out to be a politician. You know that I sometimes don't know when to shut up. That could be a drawback. I'm an atheist. So there you go right there. I can't be elected to anything because polls all say that people won't elect an atheist. 
Lou Reed (1942- )

My God is rock 'n' roll.
Christopher Reeve

Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave as though He was watching.
Carl Reiner
I'm not a believer, I call myself an atheist. It was man who invented God. There are far too many commandments and you really only need one: Do not hurt anybody.
Rick Reynolds
As far as I can tell from studying the scriptures, all you do in heaven is pretty much just sit around all day and praise the Lord. I don’t know about you, but I think that after the first, oh, I don’t know, 50,000,000 years of that I’d start to get a little bored.
Mark Richardson

Take a piece of shit - wrap it in gold foil - call it the most valuble thing in existence - install it in a beautiful building crafted by the most talented artisans in the world - make it so beautiful it makes men weep for joy upon seeing it - and these atheists still say "something smells bad!" - they have no respect for even the most venerated of turds.
Matt Ridley

The Asian tsunami was not an act of god, but 9/11 was. 
Tom Robbins ~ Novelist
Religion is not merely the opium of the masses, it's the cyanide.
Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991)
We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.
Richard Rodgers

If somebody is really sick, I don't pray to God, I look for the best doctor in town.
Andy Rooney ~ American radio and television writer and commentator

Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it comes to religion." Marian Christy, "Conversations: We make our own destiny.

I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.

Stanley Ralph Ross
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but  only on his mother's side.

Charles Schultz ~
American cartoonist (1922-2000)
In an interview in 1999, Schultz said that although his philosophical views evolved over the years, "the term that best describes me now is 'secular humanist.'" He went on to say, "I despise those shallow religious comics. Dennis the Menace, for instance, is the most shallow. When they show him praying--I just can't stand that sort of thing, talking to God about some cutesy thing that he'd done during the day. I don't think Hank Ketcham [Dennis' creator] has any deep knowledge of things like that." Schultz cringed at the mention of Family Circus, the strip by Bill Keane that is strewn with cutesy references to Jesus (who wants to protect children on school buses, but can't because of laws about separation of church and state!) and those sickly-sweet images of invisible deceased grandparents looming protectively over the kids. "Oh, I can't stand that," Schultz laughed. "You could get diabetes reading them, couldn't you?"
Martin Sheen

I'm one of those cliff-hanging Catholics.  I don't believe in God, but I do believe Mary was his mother.

The Simpsons
"Marge, have you ever actually sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not even allowed to go to the bathroom." - Priest on "The Simpson's" (remember the town which God killed because Onan pissed on a wall?)

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder. - Homer Simpson

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.

I put out these milk and cookies as a sacrifice. If Thou wishest me to eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. MMMMmmmm...

Dear God.  We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. ~ Bart Simpson saying grace.

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. School Superintendant on The Simpsons

Frank Sinatra
When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday, cash me out.
Azura Skye
I wonder who got the shit job of scouring the planet for the 15000 species of butterfly or the 8800 species of ant they eventually took on board Noah’s Ark. But at least we got that magical rainbow for all their trouble. 
Linda Smith ~ British TV and radio comedienne
If god wanted us to believe in him... he'd exist!
Han Solo

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side. - Han Solo, Star Wars
Mira Sorvino (1967- ) ~ American actress and activist

Why does it not say anywhere in the Bible that slavery is wrong? How is it possible that it is not immoral to own another person? Why isn't that one of the Ten Commandments? "Thou shalt not own another person." You want to sit here and tell me that fornication is worse than owning someone?
Gloria Steinem
It's an incredible con job when you think about it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even corporations with their reward systems don't try to make it posthumous.

By the year 2000, we will, I hope, raise our children to believe in human potential, not God. 

Howard Stern
I'm sickened by all religions. Religion has divided people. I don't think there's any difference between the pope wearing a large hat and parading around with a smoking purse and an African painting his face white and praying to a rock.

Here's what happens when you die -- you sit in a box and get eaten by worms. I guarantee you that when you die, noting cool happens.

Barbra Streisand
How could the Pat Robertsons and the Pat Buchanans, presuming to be the spokespeople for God, spew such doctrines of divisiveness, intolerance and inhumanity?  Who is that God?

Lily Tomlin

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Ted Turner ~ Referring to his estranged wife Jane Fonda

She went and became a Christian overnight, behind my back, without telling me. And she knows I had no use for organized religion.

Peter Ustinov
(1921-2004) ~ British actor and writer
Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them.

Jesse Ventura
~ American politician, Navy SEAL and Professional wrestler.
Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people's business.
Kurt Vonnegut

Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile.
Bill Waterson
~ Calvin & Hobbes

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Orson Welles
- American motion-picture actor, director, producer, and writer, 1915-1985
I have a great love and respect for religion, great love and respect for atheism. What I hate is agnosticism, people who do not choose.
Robin Williams

If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down? 
Stevie Wonder ("Superstition)
The man hates superstition but he believes in God. | I think that's inconsistent, I think that's really odd. | When you believe in things that you don't understand then you suffer.  | Superstition ain't the way.
Lt. Commander Worf ~ Star Trek
We killed all our Klingon gods centuries ago. They were more trouble than they were worth.
Steven Wright
I was driving alone one day and I saw a hitchhiker with a sign saying Heaven. So I hit him.

Henny Youngman
  (1906-1998) ~ Comedian
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

Frank Zappa

The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions. . . . Is this not an absolutely anti-intellectual religion?

I don't want to see any religious people in public office because they're working for another boss.

If you want to get together in any exclusive situation and have people love you, fine- but to hang all this desperate sociology on the idea of The Cloud-Guy who has The Big Book, who knows if you've been bad or good- and CARES about any of it- to hang it all on that, folks, is the chimpanzee part of the brain working. 

Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned -- I support your right to enjoy it.  However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.

Reason vs. Supernatural Series
Free Thinkers Through History

I: A-D Quotes
Photos AB | Photos CD
II: E-H Quotes
Photos EF | Photos GH
III: I-O Quotes
Photos IL | Photos MO
IV: P-Z Quotes
Photos PR | Photos SZ
 V: Media Quotes
Photos I | Photos II
VI. Anonymous
VII. References
Cartoons I  |  II | III | IV | V | VI | VII| VIII
| IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI
Words of the Pious
Photos I | Photos II
Creation Museum
A Photo Tour
L. Ron Hubbard
Scientology Founder

Bill Hillman
Copyright 1996-2012